


Achilles Come Down

by FangirlOfTheCentury



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean feels hopeless, Dean has a lot of feelings to work through, Depression, Ep 19, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, If the writers gave Dean any emotion for losing Cas, M/M, Season 15, Season/Series 15, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, it’s okay things get better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:47:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29393607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FangirlOfTheCentury/pseuds/FangirlOfTheCentury
Summary: Dean has always struggled with mental illness and PTSD more then he would like to admit, but suddenly he finds himself unable to handle it when he realizes that gaining free will did not fix all his problems.Based off the song, Achilles Come Down, by Gang of Youths
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 23





	Achilles Come Down

_Achilles_

_Achilles_

_Achilles come down, won't you_

_Get up off_

_Get up off the roof?_

Castiel was gone, Jack was gone, but Dean had Sam. Sam had always been enough, would always be enough, enough for Dean to press on. For a long time, most of Dean’s life, all he had to do was protect his little brother or else his life would amount to virtually nothing. John Winchester created a sick dynamic, and Dean didn’t want to refer to it as a codependent relationship, but deep in the back of his mind he knew, he always knew. It fucking sucked. 

_You're scaring us_

_And all of us_

_Some of us love you_

_Achilles, it's not much but there's proof_

As the older Winchester continued to reflect on those who he had lost, those who he had failed, it was slowly becoming harder to bear. Of course he had Sammy, but he had just started to welcome others into his life, he realized he could be happy outside the care of his family and while Sam would always be there, he could find comfort in an apple pie life. But now Cas was gone, someone who had quite literally rescued him from his years of torture, someone who had helped him raise a three year old kid who was now in control of time and space, someone who loved him. Dean brought the beer bottle to his lips. 

_Just humour us_

_Achilles_

_Achilles come down_

_Won't you get up off_

_Get up off the roof_

“Dean? You know-you know I miss them too, but they would want us to live out our lives. They would want us to-to thrive in the life we fought for.” Sam’s voice seemed to pierce his subconscious spiral, but he was right. Sam always was the smarter of the two. Rather than respond Dean simply nodded, and lifted the glass to his lips. He doesn’t remember when he switched from beer to whisky. 

_The self is not so weightless_

_Nor whole and unbroken_

_Remember the pact of our youth_

A few months pass. Dean still struggles to find a means to get out of bed in the morning, until he hears that familiar whine of Miracle and the smell of fresh coffee. By now Dean can smile, but it doesn’t feel real, it feels unjustified and selfish. On top of that it feels like any little thing will set him off into a tyrant of frustrations because anger is easier to deal with then grief. Dean also feels guilt, guilt for those he's lost, and guilt for wanting more. Sam should’ve been enough, but he’s not. At one time he was, Dean would manage as long as Sam was there, but not anymore, not since he raised a kid, certainly not since an angel came in and changed his life forever. No Sam was no longer enough, but his fathers voice still rang clear and told him it should be. 

_Achilles_

_Achilles_

_Achilles_

_Jump now_

_You are absent of cause_

_Or excuse_

Some nights were better than others, some nights were incomprehensible. There were nightmares and voices and self loathing that came in thunderous waves. Everything seemed to remind Dean that escaping the clutches of God’s grasp was not going magically solve the years of trauma that constantly pushed him to make reckless acts that brought him towards the brink of death. Dean always seemed to have a suicide wish, always expected to go out swinging. It would be so much easier than explaining how he constantly battles with survivors guilt inside his fucked up head.

_It is empty, Achilles_

_So end it all now_

_It's a pointless resistance_

_For you_

Fuck. _Fuck._ Why was his head spinning, why did everything feel so fucking heavy. Chuck was dead, Dean had his life back, the brothers are free. Why does it feel like he lost _everyone._ Sam was here, but Dean was holding him back from the life he deserved, a life he always should have lived. Castiel was gone, dead, murdered. Then the kid, Jack, was living his destiny. But despite winning a literal war against god, the feeling of pure abandonment and guilt had never gone away. 

_You may feel no purpose_

_Nor a point for existing_

_It's all just conjecture and gloom_

Sam was out. Eileen had been brought back, and he spent a lot of his days with her. He would be gone anywhere from an hour to an entire day. Dean could leave a note, nothing out of the ordinary, just that he was going on a hunt. There was a vampire nest not far from here by the sounds of the local police reports. Him and Sam were gonna check it out, they knew they wouldn’t survive it alone. Dean could go, he should go. Nothing felt real anymore, and the joy he thought he would experience from gaining free will, the only motivation he had, was dissipating fast. Sam would be okay, he had Eileen, he would have a family, he would have to be okay.

_And there may not be meaning_

_So find one and seize it_

_Do not waste your self on this roof_

“Dean?” 

No. No no it couldn’t be. Could it?

“I’ve really lost it huh.” Dean's mouth felt dry as he slowly looked up to see _him._ Him, the goddamned angel, the fucking man of the hour, Castiel. 

“Dean please.” Castiel took a step forward and held out his arm to put on Dean’s shoulder, but the Winchester quickly recoiled.

“No, no you don’t get to do that. You don’t get to waltz in on my finest hour, after you left us, left _me._ That is if you are fucking real.” Deans spat out each word as if they caused him physical pain. 

“I- yes I am real.” Cas looked down at himself and back at Dean “I suppose I owe you an explanation, but- but we can’t just avoid what you’re doing, what you wanted to do.” Castiel looked scared, anger and emotion welled behind his words, but his eyes were wide and desperate. 

_Throw yourself into the unknown_

_With pace and a fury defiant_

_Clothe yourself in beauty untold_

_And see life as a means to a triumph_

“I have nothing left, Castiel. My psyche is shot to shit. I completed my life long goals and I still feel like garbage, Sam is taken care of, and free will or not I have never felt more alone.” Dean didn’t realize his fragile state would lead to the break in the floodgates of built up emotion he had been repressing for far too long. “It doesn’t matter anyway, I don’t know why I’m telling you, I’m sure you’re just another fucked up thing my head created to try and help out.” He mumbled that last part, almost embarrassed of expressing himself. 

“I am real. I don’t know what to say to convince you of that but it’s me, and I can’t see you like this anymore. Ever since Jack pulled me from the empty I have been watching over you. And I wanted to be in your life, but you have to understand I couldn't. I could hardly bear to see you like this, and I had to come back because I can’t- I can’t let you throw everything away because of me.” As Cas spoke Dean let out an audible laugh, a crass, snappy noise that pushed out of the Winchesters mouth, causing the angel to wince.

“Because of you? You’re special but not that special. I have been fucked up ever since I was a kid. This has always been my destiny, my story never allowed for a happy ending.” Dean was speaking fast now, his tone was aggressive and his words were sharp. Cas closed his eyes and looked down.

“I should have come back much sooner.” He whispered. Dean looked confused, his anger slowly disappearing when he realized Cas was not going to fight back. 

“What?”

“Dean, you deserve love. You’ve always deserved love. I wish you saw you the way I see you.” Cas took a shaky breath before continuing “I heard every prayer, every apology, and I felt every single emotion you have had since I was able and I once again broke the rules for you. Because I can’t sit idly by and watch you kill yourself I won’t do it.”

“You should’ve come back sooner. If you knew how I felt.” Dean was still angry, that was obvious, but his voice held less aggression. 

“I was afraid I would make it worse. You-you might not have wanted me, not after that night. And I didn’t think I would have to face you again.” The angel sounded small, yet he held Dean's glance. 

“I’ve always wanted you. It’s always been you.” Dean felt his voice waver, but pressed on. “You were the first person that really saw who I was, you were the first person I cared about who wasn’t my blood relative, you were the first confusing ass bundle of feelings that I was afraid to unpack. And I have missed you so goddamn much I haven’t been able to comprehend it.” 

“What are you saying?” The question should’ve been simple. 

“I’m so afraid, all the time, but that never stopped me from falling in love with you.” Dean's voice was soft, and filled with emotion as he attempted his confession speech. “I couldn’t bear it when you died, if we're being honest I couldn’t bear it any time you died. It never got easier, and I never let myself understand why.” He took a shaky breath “fear doesn’t stop love and shit I guess.” He let out a weak laugh. “You changed me Castiel.” 

Cas took a slow step towards Dean, who had tears staining his cheeks, yet his face was stoic, and emotionless. The angel brought his hand up and gently pressed it against his cheek, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away a single tear. It was then when Dean no longer held back. In one Swift motion, the two were one. Their lips meet in almost a desperation as if Dean was trying to prove to himself that Cas really was there. When the two finally pulled away, he wrapped his arms around the angel and they stayed like that for a long time. 

“Remind me this is real one more time” Dean whispered, still holding Cas in a tight embrace. He sounded vulnerable, something he would very rarely show again. 

“This is real, I have you now.”

_Today of all days_

_See_

_How the most dangerous thing is to love_

_How you will heal and you'll rise above_

_Crowned by an overture bold and beyond_

_Ah, it's more courageous to overcome_

**Author's Note:**

> I love this song, and It always inspires me to write so finally I sat down and did it. I hope you enjoyed this fic! I know it’s a bit of a downer, but I really wanted to express how I believe Dean would of reacted if the writers were not cowards.


End file.
